Your child asks for the fifth time in a row, “Are you sure I’ll be okay?” They have a stomachache before school, a meltdown before soccer practice, or suddenly decide they don’t want to go to a birthday party they had been looking forward to. Maybe it’s hard to get them to fall asleep at night or maybe they constantly seek reassurance from you. As a parent, you might be wondering, “Why can’t they self-soothe? Why can’t they just take a deep breath and move on? What is going on in their head?”
The truth is that many things are likely going on in your child’s head at once. Anxiety is a complex built-in alarm system that is designed to protect us from danger. What may look like defiance or an overreaction may actually be your child’s alarm system kicking into gear. Understanding how this alarm works can help you make sense of your child’s anxiety, respond with compassion, and support them more effectively through moments of anxiety.
Anxiety in the Brain
Anxiety starts in the brain and is influenced by the amygdala, which helps us detect potential threats, as well as react to threats. When a threat is detected, the brain sends signals to the body’s nervous system, activating the fight,flight, or freeze response. The second your child perceives a threat, their body begins to prepare them and mobilize resources to react to the perceived threat, even if the threat is not dangerous in reality. For example, an anxious child’s nervous system may perceive speaking in front of others as dangerous as being chased by a lion, even though speaking in front of others is a relatively safe task. As a result of this response, your child may experience their heart racing, shallow breathing, sweating, shaking, muscle tension, and/or an upset stomach. This response often occurs very quickly – even before your child has the chance to consciously process and evaluate the perceived threat.
Anxiety as an Alarm System
Although anxiety from time to time is normal, some children may experience higher levels of anxiety than others. One way to understand your child’s anxiety and help them understand their own anxiety is to use the metaphor of an alarm system. Imagine a smoke alarm that is so sensitive that it goes off not only for a fire, but also for something as small as a burnt piece of toast. This sensitive alarm is likely to yield too many false alarms, leaving it difficult for your child to distinguish between a big fire (a real threat) and a burnt piece of toast (a false alarm).
Why Kids Can’t Turn the Alarm Off - The Anxiety Cycle
Even if you were to tell your child that there is no fire (rather, only a burnt piece of toast) your child may still continue to feel anxious. Why is it so difficult to turn this sensitive alarm off? Oftentimes, children with a sensitive alarm system get stuck in what is known as an anxiety cycle, which can be fueled by avoidance and reassurance. Let’s imagine your child becomes anxious before going to a playdate. They tell you their stomach hurts and they worry they will not have a fun time at the playdate. They beg you to let them stay home and barricade themselves in their room minutes before it’s time to leave. You decide it’s not worth the fight or worth the distress triggered for your child, and you let them stay home. Immediately, your child’s anxiety goes down and they are flooded with powerful feelings of relief. Although they feel better in the moment, a formidable anxiety loop has just begun. Their brain has learned “when I feel anxious, avoiding it makes me feel better.” Avoiding feared situations makes your child feel better, so they will continue to avoid feared situations, which ultimately deprives them of the transformative opportunity to learn that they are capable of facing their fears.
The Good News - The Anxious Brain Can Learn
Although your child’s anxiety may feel overwhelming (for you and your child), the good news is that the anxious brain is highly malleable. Our brains change through experience and learning. Your child can learn new ways to respond to anxiety and you can learn ways in which to respond to your child’s anxiety in supportive ways.
One way to help children break the anxiety cycle is to support them in gradually approaching safe situations that anxiety tells them to avoid. Encouraging your child to face safe but anxiety-provoking situations can help show your child that they are capable of tolerating discomfort. Facing feared situations also teaches your child that they can live a full and meaningful life even when their anxiety alarm is sounding. The goal is not necessarily to eliminate your child’s anxiety, but instead to help them learn that anxiety does not have to stop them from doing the things they love. There are many techniques that parents can use to help support their anxious child – follow along with our blog to learn these techniques. And if your child’s world appears to be getting smaller due to anxiety, it may be helpful to seek the support of a professional. A psychologist trained in evidence-based treatment for childhood anxiety can help your family understand what is maintaining the anxiety and develop a plan to help your child gradually approach fears, build confidence, and become less dependent on avoidance and reassurance.
Written by Dr. Margaret Wolfson
Postdoctoral Fellow, Maryland CBT Center